League of Legends Housing Guide

Posted: August 6, 2011 by Joshua Adam in General

Assuming you were randomly transported to the world of Runeterra there are a couple basic questions that Riot has yet to answer, many of which would be relevant and applicable to daily survival. Where to get a good meal? Which parts of town are you more likely to get stabbed in? Finding a doctor whose complexion is not purple? Most important, which champions would be good to live with… and which would send you to Craigslist and student housing within a week. This information is vital; it could (hypothetically speaking) save your life!

DamnDirtyCat’s Best Choice – Nidalee

There are two things that must be true in a living arrangement with more than one person: people must clean up after themselves, and there must be a cat. Neither of these are negotiable, and it’s exactly why Nidalee is the best roommate. She’s got a French Maid outfit, so you know she can clean up (or at least try to). It’s not that I won’t clean up the place; it’s that cleaning brings substantially greater appeal with eye candy. Nidalee wouldn’t be afraid to tell things like they are, and even if she sets up traps in the room they are clearly visible. Plus, she turns into a cat. Purrfect.

DamnDirtyCat’s Worst Choice – Heimerdinger

Having lived with engineers before, I know a posteriori that Heimerdinger would be the worst roommate. He’d never stop talking at you about things you could care less about, and he’d leave the room a total wreck with all his engineering equipment that never got put away. Cleaning? Forget it. Heimer would just spread the grease and topple the stack of nails and circuit boards built to look like a mix between the pyramids and a building in that show he always has on but never actually pays attention to. The worst part would be bringing women back to the room. If I was to, say, invite Anivia into the room, her wall would cause Heimer’s turrets (in the middle of the floor, of course) to attack for no reason! Meanwhile, his women get a free pass. What a hypocrite.

Jisho23’s Best Choice – Gragas

Okay, he certainly won’t be the cleanest roommate. And he’s probably one of the largest roommates. But provided you can tolerate all that I have mentioned, he’d be a pretty awesome guy to live with. Firstly, he’s clearly not the moron you may think he is. He’s at least a moderately successful lawyer (or at least dresses like one). Odds are he has a boat of some sort (which he pays for by being a lawyer) since he likes to scuba dive–huge plus there assuming you guys are on friendly terms. But let’s talk the real reason: free fucking alcohol. With Gragas, your week will morph into a perpetual “Messed up Monday, Tipsy Tuesday, Wasted Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Fucked up Friday, and Shit-Faced Saturday.” Sunday would still be a sober day though, the man does have to be in the office Monday.

Jisho23’s Worst Choice – Mundo

Yikes, you know this guy would be a terror to have to live with. Lets not even discuss the “fearing for dear life” part of living with him: the real reason is he’d simply go where he pleases. Any shred of privacy you may have had is simply gone. Who care’s if he’s making bank running an international corporation. I don’t care much about a timely rent check when it means I’ll have no space of my own. To boot: “SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP!” Yeah, imagine hearing that every… single… day.

Xenocidebrm’s Best Choice – Singed

Singed is the number one bro to have around, hands down. First of all, if you want to have a party, Singed is your bartender. He can mix and swirl like no one else, he can fling bottles and do bar tricks, and if you’re in the mood for a rave, he’s got a fog machine as well. He’s a former policeman and current surfer, to look at his skins, and that life experience can really help when trying to run a party. Add to that he’s an educated man, so I’d be able to talk with him about interesting things. He’s an interesting guy, and being a little insane just adds spice to what is bound to be a solid relationship.

Xenocidebrm’s Worst Choice – Shaco

I don’t like surprises. I don’t want to open the fridge and have a god damn Jack in a Box start shooting lasers at me, I don’t want someone tapping my shoulder and using Deception, and I don’t want to have to explain who the giggling moron in the next room is to visitors. He’s creepy as anyone else in the league, and I *never* want to see that face above me when I wake up. Or in a mirror, behind me. Or in the shower. Ugh. Where as Singed is a bit out of touch with reality, Shaco is more in line with the Joker – completely sociopathic and devoted to chaos.

Atenthirtyone’s Best Choice – Nasus

The best roommate that one can have is a bromate. A bromate will always have your back, whether in a fight or in other daily ventures. First of all, he is dependable due to the fact that he is part dog, known for their loyalty. However, he isn’t a drooling ignorant beat, but a scholarly fellow. Being the lead curator of his world also means he’s full of knowledge, and probably interesting stories as well. In addition, Nasus definitely isn’t a lazy bastard that many roommates will inevitably be. If this man is willing to farm up his Siphoning Strike in a League of Legends match, then he will grind through the chores in the apartment. Finally, Nasus is the ultimate wingman when you need to acquire chicks at a bar. I mean listen to his voice. No female will be able to resist that omnipotent narrator voice.

Atenthirtyone’s Worst Choice – Ezreal

I know anime isn’t for everyone, but I think most of you have seen or at least know about those typical adventure “save the world” anime series. The protagonists of those series are annoying and ignorant scumbags that rely on “plot armor” and his supporting cast to get things done. However, in the end, he will always get credit for it. Look at your favorite support character in any fictional series. The supporting character always gets screwed over. Ezreal is the main character… and you are the support. You will help him with his silly adventures about exploration or defending Demacia. But guess what? He’ll come in the last second of that final fight with the villain and kill steal you. Yeah, just like him Arcane Shift-ing in at the last moment of a team fight and stealing it.  Enjoy your six second cameo, while this scumbag hogs all of the plushies, collectable trading cards, and action figures.

King of Gob’s Best Choice – Brolaf

A typical night where I run into my bros Garen and Rammus on the way back to my room:

“Yo, we were just at this sick party at the Noxus house!  Where’s  Olaf at?”

“Yooooo.  We went to the Demacia house and beat a bunch of losers at beer pong because he knocked all the cups off of the table with a bolt of lightning.  Then he totally did like three kegstands with that Senior Gragas, right after he kicked our ass in Madden.  A bunch of ugly chicks lookin’ like Kog’Maws tried to latch on to him, but he was all like ‘Can’t be disabled brah.’  Last I saw him he was trying to hook up with that music major chick, Sona, from down the hall.”

“Oh man that’s sick.  Hey, what’s that on your door knob?”

“Damn it, he left his axe hanging from the door, guess I’m sleeping elsewhere tonight.   Mind if I crash in your room Rammus?”

“Okay.”

“Tell me how can a girl without a voice be so loud?”

“Okay.”

Did I say best I guess I meant:

KingofGob’s Worst Choice – Brolaf

King of Gob’s Best Choice – Rammus

(Disclaimer: NoElo does not condone binge drinking or being a bro in any other form)

TheWoeBringer’s Best Choice – Shen

He’s a goddamned ninja. The only ninja’s you ever have to complain about are the one’s who are your enemies, so get him on your team. He’d build elaborate traps and shit to defend your turf; complete with secret wall tunnels and trapdoors to move around unseen. Not to mention you would basically have the room to yourself because if he left stuff around people would know he was there. Then he wouldn’t be ninjaing. You’d never see him around, but the best part is if you’re in a jam he can tport shield you and taunt some people right off of you. Getting mugged? Surprise! Here’s my ninja friend. Need a wingman? He’s even brought some drinks. Look at him leading away the best friend. God damn Shen, you’re the man.

TheWoeBringer’s Worst Choice – Wukong

He is a monkey person. Let me reiterate. HE IS A MONKEY PERSON. Not only will you never ever get any with a half human, half man, freak chilling around but there are barriers that will be up from day one. Do monkey’s have accents when they learn english? Most likely. That’s a hassle for communication. I hope you like cleaning the shower drain cause that shit will be clogged everyday. How’s he gonna pay the rent? Looks like that’s all you too. Plus we have a worse case scenario that an argument turning sour can end in a one way shitstorm. Literally.

Comments
  1. This poll is full of LIES. Where are my contestants, hmm?

  2. […] as well, which change as each patch comes out.  Our comedy posts tend to be collaborative and speculative about different […]

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