You suck at LoL

Posted: September 11, 2011 by drhooble in Comedy, Complaining, General, Metagame

You suck at LoL. Let me explain though. We all suck at LoL. There are roughly 100 people who play this game who can say they don’t suck. Everyone else sucks. The best you can hope for in LoL is to be considered bad. You’re simply not good and you suck. Now why am I pointing this out? Because you suck, yet, you get angry. And not only angry but really angry, like shouting in real life angry, furiously typing in caps angry, turning red angry. You get so angry that people in both the game and real life tell you to calm down. But you won’t because it’s not your fault! It’s that faggot Udyr’s fault! It’s that fucking Shaco’s fault! It’s that shitty Amumu’s fault! Not yours! Nope! Even if it isn’t your fault you still get un-be-lievebly angry. Super frustrated at something you can’t control.

The problem is you want to win. You want to win really bad. Because winning gets you massive IP and prestige. Well, it gets you massive IP since it’s not ranked you get no prestige. Well, wait, it gets you practically no IP (roughly 70 for a loss 130 for a win? So quick math that means to buy the newest champion you need 48ish games WON which if they surrender at 20 every time will take 20 hours of straight play. Good luck with that.) Your wins don’t matter and your losses don’t either. What you get in the end is based on how much fun you had.

Watch your head crazy idea incoming: You can have fun while losing! You just have to not be a dick and realize that you suck. You suck worse than any tourney player who has ever played beta until now. You are statistically the worst player in the world and guess what: you’re tied with all your friends and all the people you play. So since you suck so bad, what does it matter that the guy who plays alone and had no training and no friends to play with sucks. You do too. And the punishment for you both sucking is almost the same as the reward for you guys not sucking. So why are you angry? Because you lost? But you suck! You should lose every game! It’s only because other people suck more than you or are having an off game that you are any good! The best players in the world are okay with 50/50 win/loss record online but for some reason you need to have 100/0? Why do you expect to win so much when you are so bad? The games you had most fun on you were losing for a good part of it. My favorite game ever was a total fluke! We were down by 19 kills and just lost both nexus towers. Their team came in to finish off the Nexus and we went bazonkers and aced them with only one loss. We lost! The Nexus still exploded! But immediately after the game all of us were wicked happy and friended each other instantaneously and still play together every week. Why? Because we all had fun even though we were getting crushed. The final score had us down by 15 freakin’ kills and almost 200 less minions than the enemy team and we still had a blast! Why? Because the game isn’t about winning it’s about having fun.

Winning isn’t everything and in this game it’s practically worthless. Spending 20 hours of straight play on the game just to get 1 new champ isn’t the reason why you are playing. You’re playing because you love the game. You’re playing because you love getting that last hit on Trynd after his ult wears off. You love having someone run into your trap or mushroom and ganking them. You love escaping from the other team’s 3-man gank. You love using your ult and watching health bars just plummet. Seeing Victory at the end just doesn’t mean anything next to your first kill of just that game. In fact when you see the other team has surrender you get sad. Depressed even. Because the game you were having so much fun playing is over. And it’s over in a lame way. No one likes to just dominate. Dominating is boring. Even when dominating you purposefully play stupid just to see what you can get away with. You troll people when you dominate. It’s boring and no fun to just strictly win and be done. You have fun when you do things in the game. The ending doesn’t make you happy. The victory and the IP don’t make you happy because their paltry and dissatisfying. You can lose every game and still have a great time. The tetragrammaton of LoL: gl hf. Good luck. Have Fun.

So in the end who cares if your one team member is holding you back? You suck too and the reason you’re not having fun is because you forget what makes you happy in this game. If you’re losing and dying who cares? You still get IP and the next games starts in 10.

Comments
  1. Hol Hols says:

    Nice double article.
    I don’t get angry because I want to win. I don’t believe I should have 100/0 win/loss.
    I know there’s people out there who are better than me (by god, so much better than me).
    I get angry because someone else is losing me something I could have won if he wasn’t here.

    I feed and I lose? Sorry, I played like shit. Or I got outplayed.

    It’s a close game and I lose? gg wp.

    I’m FED 11/2/5 and I lose because people keep walking into 4 man ganks in the enemy jungle after being baited, six times in a row, even though everyone keeps telling them not to do it?

    Damn straight I’m going to get angry. What could have been 50 minutes of fun gaming and a test of skills just turned into 50 minutes of my life WASTED because one or more people on my team fed the enemy up to the point where I *can’t* turn it around, not even with clever ganks.

    Time WASTED. I play to win or lose based on some nice plays.

    I want to see an awesome teamfight where properly timed skills decide the outcome, even in completely unexpected ways. Oh no, if amumu timed his ulti better we could have aced, oh god look at that we aced them because I stunned this guy, oh lord did you see that zhonya’s activation?

    I don’t play to watch my teammates be retards, after which I’m forced to look at the screen and twiddle my thumbs untill the game is over because the enemy Xin Zhao is 6/0/6 with his 6/0/6 buddy Sion by 10 minutes.

    So yes, there are times when “it’s that faggot Udyr’s fault! It’s that fucking Shaco’s fault! It’s that shitty Amumu’s fault!” and gosh-darn-it I have every right to scream untill blood and fire start oozing out of every pore.

    I’m not angry because I get 50 ip less, I’m angry because Karma with 1200+ victories under her belt managed to go 1/14/3 and singlehandedly lost us the game by turning it into a 4v6.
    This isn’t even summoner level 10 we’re talking about, this is level 30. These are people with 600+ wins and GOD knows how many losses under their belt, and they’re playing like SHIT. I see summoner level 4 players who’ve never HEARD of dota play better, and it kills me inside each and every time.

    Now excuse me while I go listen to linkin park and paint my walls black.

    • Hol Hols says:

      And I forgot to reply to these gems right here:
      “You can have fun while losing!”
      That’s right!

      I’ll just adapt a mentality where we all suck, and the ones that suck less win. I’ll expect to lose every game, and I can be happy I was right, or pleasantly surprised I was wrong! What fun.

      “If you’re losing and dying who cares? You still get IP and the next games starts in 10.”
      So true. I’ll just keep playing with people who chase singed and /ignore you when you tell them politely not to do that because they will die. I’ll keep playing with people who couldn’t teamwork their way out of a tug-of-rope.

      Because apparently just playing the game and using my skills is all the satisfaction I need, and when the enemy team says pfff easy I should just guffaw at how ‘seriously’ they’re taking this.
      JOKE’S ON THEM, I WAS HAVING *FUN* BECAUSE I *LOVE* PLAYING THIS GAME.
      Now come Ashe, let us facecheck that bush that Shaco just walked in and out of 20 times in the past 5 seconds.

    • drhooble says:

      That’s the thing though!

      “I feed and I lose? Sorry, I played like shit. Or I got outplayed.

      It’s a close game and I lose? gg wp.”

      You have fed! You have played horribly! You have gotten people wicked mad at you! You have! Now did you say to yourself, “I’m such a faggot retard I should go die like they tell me to,”? No, you didn’t. You took the game as a fluke and moved on. Now when you are in the opposite position and someone is playing like you sometimes do or probably even usually do (this is a No Elo board after all) then why do you get the same angry that other people did? Maybe he’s just having a shitty game and you are making it worse. Raging never helped anybody and you will rarely hear people rage over chat during proplay because it hurts morale which hurts play.

      All I’m saying is get over it. You’re bad and so are they. When players are worse than usual you get super-pissed when they are on your team but you send “lol” and “fail” when they are on the other team. Why? When the other team is doing poorly against me or building poorly I send them advice! Sure it sounds pretentious but I would rather win to someone playing well than win to a bunch of idiots.

      Also I do have to agree with your time wasted argument. I agree that sometimes it feels like you just wasted a whole buttload of time because other people on your team are acting foolish but doesn’t that lead to my other point that you address below? You should be happy when losing because you are happy when you are playing. Getting your rage on doesn’t give you anything but a powerful murder-boner and makes you play worse for the next few games. Chilling out can work wonders and some good advice I’ve received is to just exercise when you’re stressed after a game instead of rage. That way you get fit, blood-pumping and focused for the next game.

      Also this is going to sound like an argument against playing LoL ever but why time wasted? Did you have an ultimate goal with LoL? Were you going to try something new this game or are you trying to practice to get your score up? If you are playing just to play (which I assume you are, if you’ll forgive me) then why get so worked up over time wasted? You were going to waste it anyways. You weren’t using it to better your LoL play by testing out a new strategy or practicing smart-casting or learning a new hero. You were playing that game just to play because it’s enjoyable. Wasting time that could have been spent doing something that visibly changes your life like exercising or reading a book. LoL is by definition time wasted unless you are playing for money (which you aren’t…hence No Elo).

      TL;DR: You suck and you get angry when other people suck like you do.

      (Also none of the references to you sucking reflect on you as a person. You’re probably a pretty cool dude. And hey, if you want to play sometime, hit me up: I’m Hooble on LoL.)

      • Hol Hols says:

        True, I am playing LoL just to play, but the key word here is play. I want to *play* the game, not have a teammate shut it down beyond repair. Winning is nice, and losing is perfectly fine if it was an enjoyable game at least, but there’s plenty of ways games can get shut down that just ruin it for (almost) everyone involved.

        You definitely have a point with chilling out after a game if it was particularly rageworthy. (Or hell, even if you’re on a lose streak.)

        The main difference between bad ol’ me and bad ol’ AP teemo in my top lane is that I adapt.
        No, let me rephrase that. I think.

        I see people go up against Garen, give up first blood by facechecking the bush at 4 minutes because he was gone for a while, then come back to their lane without bringing a single ward or even any armor.
        People go up against Morde, never buying magic resist yet always raging at the jungler for not ganking (protip: gank means destroy, and any jungler worth his salt will do so without fail time and time again. real.).
        They’re content to not adapt to the situation, and justify this to themselves by calling Morde/Xin/Garen OP.

        Okay yeah, I’m not going to build anything off that Negatron cloak in the near future, but at least I know that in the teamfights that are going to happen in the next 5 minutes Akali isn’t going to melt my face off QUITE that easily.

        It’s just frustrating to see people dead set in their patterns.
        “Jungler should gank and so help me god if that failing noob doesn’t.”
        Totally not your fault in any way. I also like how you pushed all the way to their tower and then just started pinging for the jungler to come in and gank/towerdive the Morgana because she was at 40% health and you felt you could taste the gold. +10 points if the jungler actually comes to towerdive her and you call him a killstealer.

        “Warding my lane is a waste of gold, I need a BF sword ASAP. Jungler/Support can ward *my* lane. (Also what is last hit he hehehehe hee? 3 of these won’t get me a free ward lol)”
        This really grinds my gears. One ward after you’ve been bushwhacked should be common sense.

        “OMG no ss, afk in base. /all noobfail team no ss”
        Yet you never warded and are apparently unable to glance at the minimap (which is huge) every 2 seconds.

        It’s just frustrating to see that people play a game, yet don’t learn anything from it. They don’t walk away a better player. They don’t learn that maybe you shouldn’t focus Rammus as Tryndamere. They certainly don’t learn to grab an early BV when playing against Karthus.
        They’ll just keep on doing the same thing over and over. Who knows, they might play the champ that just kicked their ass. For the first time. In pvp.

        Number one advice for enjoying League?
        Get a friend. Get two. Get three or four if you can.
        Get on skype, vent, mumble or teamspeak, whatever tickles your fancy.
        Minimize damage, play with people who will listen when you talk words at them.
        You might lose with a 5 man premade. You might lose due to 2 randoms simply feeding their ass off. You might be able to carry them, who knows. But I can guarantee you’ll have more fun than in solo queue.

        For all the horror stories (and mostly all of them from solo queue) there’s always the hard-earned turnabouts and miracles that have one hooting with laughter/amazement.
        There’s always that game where Vlad loses his tower to Orianna and then proceeds to help wreck the enemy team in every teamfight. That awesome moment when Miss Fortune decides to listen and focus Vayne instead of fulfilling her blood oath to pwnzor the Rammus that ganked her twice and insulted her family honor. It’s games like these that restore my faith in the community a little each time.

  2. Hol Hols says:

    Of course it’s not *me* I’m talking about all the time when I say I’M SO GOOD, I THINK etc.
    I mean a hypothetical LoL player of course! After all, I’m as bad as any of you 😉

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